saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
