Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
