Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
