He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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