went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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