Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
