In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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