how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
