I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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