i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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