Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
