I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
