He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
