How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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