My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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