I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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