The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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