I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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