As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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