hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
