the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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