I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
