I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Randomize
