I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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