sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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