Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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