So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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