I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i now understand why vodka
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