Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
