I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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