i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
