I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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