He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
