she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
