I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
