I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
