Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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