I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Randomize
