never play flip cup with pint glasses
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
