So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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