at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
