i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
