i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
