My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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