You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
