I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
