last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
