I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
