Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
