I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
