chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i drank out of a bidet.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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