I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
