We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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