saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
